As a somewhat serious writer, I often write down ideas when they come to me.  I then later look at some of these “brilliant ideas” and wonder how the hell I ever thought I could write a whole post based on some of these ideas.  Some of them are pretty entertaining, though, so I thought I would share them with you.

• I once asked my younger daughter what she thought I should write a post about.  She suggested aliens. 
• I often hear the unedited version of a song and think “I like the radio version better”.  That’s how you know you are getting old.
• My husband once did a Prince imitation that was so funny I almost peed my pants.  If you know my husband, picture it.
• I also told him once that he is spiteful and vindictive.  His reply was “That may be so, but you are just spiteful”!  Good one.
• My younger daughter was reading a book out loud and was supposed to say “he puckered up”.  It came out as “he pucked up”.  She had no idea why mom and dad were laughing so hard.
• The little darling was playing with Play-Doh the other day.  She showed me her creation and I nearly died.  It looked like a purple vagina.  That is not what it was supposed to be.
• My husband watches “Daisy of Love” and calls it his guilty pleasure.
• He once called me a “good-looking older woman” and thought it was a compliment.
• My daughter videotaped my husband shaking his butt to a Kanye West song once.  He now thinks he should be a contestant on “So You Think You Can Dance Canada”.  Yeah, next auditions, look out!

I had a lot more written down, but once I looked at them out of context, many of them made absolutely no sense!  I know, I know, that isn’t like me at all.  Take care, dear readers!

Have you ever done something that you knew, even before you started, that it was going to make you look like an idiot, but you went ahead and did it anyway? I do it all the time, but I think I’ve really taken the cake this time.

I hate waiting for people. I have absolutely no patience when it comes to waiting. I get really antsy and will often just go ahead and do what I was going to do by myself. And once I get an idea in my head, that’s it, I must act on it.

I’ve talked before about the non-stop renovations and “projects” that happen in my 102-year old home. We’ve been working on the basement off and on for several months and I really want to get it done before winter. I went downstairs and started clearing away some of the construction mess and arranging the rugs and furniture in one area. I sold the tv that was down there and wanted to move the one from my bedroom. That went off without a hitch.

Here’s is where I get stupid. There was a very large dresser upstairs that I wanted moved to the basement for quite some time. The stairs in our house are narrow and it is difficult to move furniture up and down. I got tired of waiting for my husband to help me and decided that I could move it myself. I took all the drawers out and got it fairly easily down the first flight of stairs. The stairs leading to the basement are EXTREMELY narrow, but I thought I had it all figured out.

I got down to the landing and started to try to turn the dresser to go down the rest of the stairs. I knew some manoeuvring would be required and was doing quite well. Suddenly, oh no, it’s not moving any more. I am stuck. The dresser got wedged and I couldn’t budge it an inch. I tried for a few minutes and then decided that I would go do some work until my husband got home. That was fine, but after about an hour, I needed to pee. We have no bathroom in the basement.

I kept on working, hoping the feeling would go way (yeah, right), then about a half hour later I realized that I could boot up the computer in the basement and email my guy on his Blackberry! Brilliant! I sent the email, making sure I stressed that this was not a joke. I could hear him trying to text me on my phone, but couldn’t get to the phone. I had to email him again, reminding him I couldn’t answer my phone since I was trapped in the basement.

When he got home about twenty minutes later, I could see how much of an idiot I was by the look on his face. The one that expresses all the suffering I put him through with my need for independence and the desire to prove that I can do whatever I damn well please. The look that says “did you honestly think you were going to pull this one off, Wile E. Coyote”? Boy, did I feel stupid. We had to use a hammer to break apart the dresser so that I could finally get out of the basement. The crappy dresser I’ve been dragging around for a couple of decades is no more.

And now I have to walk around like a dog with my tail between my legs for being so stupid when I really knew better. Good thing my husband has a good sense of humour. I am never going to live this one down.

On May 7th, I started a new diet.  I have cut most of the sugar out, so I started drinking my coffee with milk only.  This was EXTREMELY difficult for me.  I usually only put one teaspoon in my coffee, but I love milky coffee, lattes, and mochachinos.

By May 9th, I couldn’t stand drinking my coffee without sugar.  No, I did not cheat on my diet!  I switched to drinking tea in the mornings, as I never put sugar in my tea anyway.  Throughout the week, I was getting more and more irritable and really low energy.  By the morning of the 15th, I had a headache that lasted off and on until the morning of the 17th.

I woke up Sunday morning and put on a pot of coffee and begrudgingly drank my pathetic coffee with milk and no sugar.  Well, holy hyperactivity, Batman!  I’ve been on this major manic cleaning  jag ever since!  I’ve had two cups of my crappy coffee for three mornings in a row now, but I think my husband has started to suspect that I am mainlining meth.

I am a neat freak at the best of times, but I’ve gone into overdrive.  We have a half-assed rec room in the basement, but there is storage down there too, so everything that doesn’t really have a place ends up floating down there or out to the garage.  I spent the majority of Sunday clening the entire basement, throwing things out, and organizing the rest for a garage sale.  I normally just donate what we don’t want to charity, but there is so much stuff there, I’m thinking I may make enough money to make one of the payments on our condo in Florida!

Yesterday, I went to the home improvement store and bought a whole bunch of plants and supplies to add shelving to a closet and pantry.  I came home, did a whole bunch of yard work, transplanted all my new plants to beds and pots, and convinced my husband to put up my new shelves in the pantry.  While he put the shelves up, I cleaned out a whole bunch of cupboards, throwing out crap and organizing the rest either for the new shelves or for the sale.

I was completely exhausted by 6:00 PM last night, but every time I sat down for a few minutes, it was like a spring was attached to my rear because I just kept bouncing up and off I would go to do another little chore.  Now today, I’ve completely scrubbed down one of the bathrooms (the small one, in all fairness), the kitchen, and have completely organized and dusted all my hubby’s electronics.  This was no easy feat, as he is an IT dude and we have electronics galore!  When we first starting living together, I told him I was going to have the whole house rewired because everything he brought with him had a plug.

I’ve dusted, vacuumed, and scrubbed floors.  Now I’ve completed another post to my blog.  You know what?  I think it’s time for a coffee break!

I’m dead.  This may be my last post. I’ve really done it this time.

My house is 102 years old, and I both love it and hate it.  We wanted an old house with lots of character and charm, but also with modern conveniences.  We knew going in there would be a lot of work to do, but were willing to do it.

Six years later, we are not nearly as far into renovations and repairs as we should be.  Costs of materials and contractors have skyrocketed.  We do what we know how to do, and hire professionals for the stuff that we are guaranteed to screw up.  Maybe if we didn’t go to Florida every second winter, we’d have more money to put into the house.  Oh well, you can’t have it all.

About a year and a half ago, I had a beautiful glass door installed at the back entrance.  Last summer we decided to put a matching one on the front.  Well, wouldn’t you know it our porch is ancient (unlike the addition at the back of the house), and the doorway is odd shaped.  We had to have a custom door built because they don’t make them that size.  Apparently Willie Wonka and the White Rabbit bought them all up.

We thought this was going to be outrageously expensive and were about ready to live with the old porch door, when we found out it would only cost about $200 more for a custom door.  Okay, buddy, you got yourself a deal!  Get measuring!

We waited a long time for the door and finally when it was ready, my husband took the day off work to meet with the installers.  I was excited all day, and when I got home from work I couldn’t wait to see the new door.

Imagine my surprise, the old door was still there, they just installed the new one in front of the old one!  When I expressed confusion at this, my husband said, “Well it’s an old wood door, they don’t make them like that anymore”!  To which I replied, “It’s a damn good thing!  Look at how warped it is!  It doesn’t even close right”!  My husband won the arguement and the door stayed.

Guess what I did today?  I removed that stupid, ugly, warped, cracked paint, cracked pane door ALL BY MYSELF!  Ha ha, I feel awesome!  It wasn’t even that hard and only took me about 20 minutes!

I’ll feel good about this all day long, until my husband comes home and sees what I’ve done.  I hope this isn’t my last post.

Orianne

My last two blogs tackled some serious, contentious issues, so I decided to keep things light this time around.  I thought I would share with you the things that I say and do that my poor, long-suffering husband has to put up with.

1. “You know, I was thinking…”

I know that this one drives him crazy.  It means that whatever we have planned, I have totally switched around and added more complication to, trying to make things simpler.  Sometimes the crazy Wile E. Coyote plots work, other times they blow up like a bomb from Acme.

2. “What do you think of this colour”?

He knows that my “little projects” often turn into 2 week long construction sites.  He has learned, though, that he does not have to be a part of my madness, and lets me go off and do what I need to do.  This suits him fine, because while I am involved in my schemes, he rarely hears the phrase “You know, I was thinking…”.

3. “You need some new clothes”.

I have no idea why, but it drives him bonkers when I suggest he needs new clothes.  I used to just go out and buy him what I thought he would like, but there’s a closet full of clothes with the tags still on them, so I stopped doing that.  This one puzzles me….

4. “Let’s go to” (store that sells home furnishings and decor items. I refuse to name them until they pay me advertising dollars).

This store tends to be quite pricy and most of the things I purchase there are on sale.  I could easily spend several thousands of dollars there, but I show great restraint.  Besides, the most expensive item we ever purchased there was something that HE wanted.

5. “This is what I’m going to do, but I need some time to think it through”.

This is really scary for him because the “think it through” period is an unknown variable, both to him and me.  If it is something really difficult or something that hasn’t really captured my imagination, the “thinking it through” period could be several months.  Other times, my streak of impulsivity wins over, and “thinking it through” lasts twenty minutes.  Another reason why this statement freaks my husband out is because many times these periods of contemplation end with the phrase, “You know, I was thinking…”.

I know I am very lucky to have married a man who understands that there is only a fine line between genius and sanity, and that I straddle that line, often slipping over to one side or the other.  What do you think?  I’d love to hear your opinions.  I can be emailed at donig@mts.net or tweeted on Twitter at http://twitter.com/OrianneD.  See you soon!

Orianne