For the past few weeks I’ve been slowly weaning myself off my meds. I had gotten to the point where my emotions were completely numbed and I could barely accomplish anything because I just didn’t give a shit. The side effects were becoming worse and worse. I decided to taper off, because I read that many psychotropic drugs can cause further psychiatric problems if you go cold turkey. Google Serotonin Syndrome if you want to know more, it’s scary. I knew that I shouldn’t have been doing this without discussing it with my doctor first, but I honestly have had it with pill-pushing doctors right now. I am certainly not endorsing that anyone else take the route that I did if they feel like they should discontinue his or her meds.

I never imagined that it would be that difficult to withdraw from modern medication. I know that they keep playing around with medications to make them less toxic and have better side effect profiles, and thought that there would not be many problems to taper off. Was I ever wrong. When I first started changing my med schedule, I was taking one pill (Pristiq, for the record) every second day. That wasn’t so bad. I’d get the “brain zaps” occasionally and an increase in the tinnitus that I’ve been dealing with for over a decade, anyway. This was tolerable and came and went. When I started taking the pills every three days, I started to get very sick. It was like having a really bad head cold for weeks on end. Throw in some nausea and a few bouts of vomiting, just to top it off. The real problems began when I moved the schedule to taking a pill every four days. I had all the symptoms mentioned before and then suddenly, I would start crying for no reason and would have an overwhelming desire just to have a complete meltdown. This I managed (for the most part) to contain.

After being on the one-pill-every-four-days schedule for eight days, I decided that I was prolonging my agony. Within a few hours of taking the pill I would start to feel better, but as the medication wore off, I had to start the withdrawal process all over again. As of right now, I am Pristiq-free for almost eight days. I have to say that it was one of the hardest thing I have physically done. I now know what a heroin addict means when they say they need the drug or they will be sick. They really, truly get physically ill when their bodies are going through withdrawal.  Taking the drug makes you stop hurting, at least for a little while.

Most of the really bad withdrawal symptoms are going away now, but I still have the sniffles, occasional bleeding nose, some crying jags and I am pretty irritable. Another issue that has cropped up over the past few nights is sleeplessness. This should not be happening because I HAVE NOT stopped taking my sleeping pill. It’s weird to sit here at my computer at 3:40 in the morning typing away when I should be zonked out from that pill.

Maybe now that I am (almost) drug-free I can resume my normal activities. I want to be more physically active, blog more and work on my poor jewelery line that has suffered the most from my lack of motivation. Here’s hoping that better days lie ahead. I’ll keep you posted.

I’ve kept my last few posts a secret from everyone. The only person that knows about them is me. I gain a certain amount of pleasure knowing that my deepest, darkest secrets are out there for the world to see, but no one notices. Just like mental health issues. They are out there, but you can’t see them like other illnesses can be seen. I’ve seen this alluded to a lot lately on social networking sites, and I’m glad that more attention is being drawn to it.

People are talking about it more, but most people’s attitudes about mental health issues have changed very little. They don’t realize that just because you can’t see a body being ravaged, doesn’t mean that there are not daily struggles inside that person. In my case, depression eats away at my mind like a cancer eats away the healthy cells of an organ. I just often put on a smile and pretend that there is nothing wrong. Some days, I feel so terrible emotionally, that I really am physically sick. I tell people I have a cold or the flu if I cannot function that day because if I told them the truth, they would just tell me to snap out of it. There is no understanding there for the turmoil that is going on inside. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and my thoughts are racing out of control and I have a hard time stopping them. At times like this, I do feeel physically sick to my stomach, but most people don’t understand that.

Part of cognitive behavioural therapy for depression and self-esteem building is to stop the negative self-talk. This is way harder than it sounds. For most of us, our way of thinking and our opinions are difficult to change unless we see something that makes us change our mind. If you are depressed, and feel crappy about yourself, it is very difficult to stop that thought process and it is hard to see things that will change your way of thinking. This is something I struggle with daily, and on most days, I lose this struggle. I often despair that I will ever feel better. My negative self-talk is so deeply ingrained, that I wonder if I will ever be able to change.

I am now using my blog as a diary of sorts. I don’t think anyone reads it anymore, as I was not posting regularly. I am perfectly okay with this, surprisingly. I find it therapeutic just to put my thoughts down, whether anyone shares it or not.

Life has been pretty good over the last little while. I feel like I am shedding the cloak of grief and I am able to move on. I have been more active and social than I have been for several months. Maybe soon I can get back to some real writing again. Maybe the world will be alright.

Wow, I don’t believe it. I have managed to sit down three weeks in a row and write. The sun must be shining more. I was going to blog today about positive psychology and the seven habits of happy people, following in the theme of mental health that I have been focusing on lately, but I’ve changed my mind. Instead, I want to rant about some of my pet peeves.

Have you ever noticed on social networking sites that some people usually make you smile and laugh and you can have interesting conversations with them, while everything other people post make you want to reply back, “Shut the f*ck up”? Now, I am not so egocentric to think that I don’t elicit that response from people. I know I probably do. My answer to that is, “Whatever, delete me then”.

I have “friends” that I travel in certain circles with and it would be awkward to delete them, as I see them on a regular basis. So I keep them as “friends” to avoid (my favourite coping mechanism) that awkwardness. I know I can block them or their posts and so on, but that creates issues in communication. You know, they ask you why you didn’t reply to this or that, blah, blah, blah.

Everyone has their own triggers and tolerance levels for bullsh*t. What bothers me are the redundant posts about something that a person does that they think is just the sh*t and keeps posting on and on about. These are usually the same people that think growing fingernails is a talent and that they are the most important person in the world because they have a birthday. I feel like saying very sweetly, “Didn’t you know that birthdays are like opinions and assh*les? Everyone has one”!

This is a record, folks. I would have to back and double check, but I believe that this is my most profanity-ridden post ever. But I’ve gotten that off my chest, it’s Friday and the sun is shining. I feel much better! Nothing like a good rant to start the weekend of right.

Surprise, surprise. Here it is, only a week after my last post and I have managed to sit down and try to write another post.

I’m fairly certain that much of my depression is related to Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and living in a city that is cold and snowy for long periods of time. As soon as the weather starts getting nicer and the days longer, I can feel that fog start to lift and suddenly life is not such a drag anymore. I go out more, I’ve joined a horticultural society and a book club, and made new friends. I bought a bicycle and cycle every day that it doesn’t rain.

I wish that I could feel half as good every day as I feel right now. The sun is shining, birds are chirping and flowers are in bloom. Maybe I’m writing this down so I can come back to it and try to recapture this feeling.

My message today is: don’t ever give up. Even when things seem bleak and you are in the grips of despair, a sunny day will come along. Something out there is waiting for you to experience it. Someone out there is waiting for you to love them.

Well, it has been many months since I last posted. I struggled to find a direction for my blog, and was having a hard time coming up with interesting things to say. I would rather not post anything than the insipid garbage for the masses that fills the internet.

I have been trying to cope with grief and depression. This has been a tough battle for me over the past several months. This is a big part of the reason for not blogging. My disposition is generally positive, and I enjoy being fun and energetic. When you are not feeling like yourself, it is difficult to express what is going on around you.

I considered blogging about my depression on several occasions, but didn’t have the confidence. Having a mental health issue is becoming more acceptable in our society, with more people speaking out and a greater understanding, but there is still stigma attached to a person that is unwell. I wanted to reach out to others that were having similar experiences to mine, but was afraid of the consequences of publicly admitting that I am not “normal”.

I considered the impact that a public admission of depression would have on my family and future. I was afraid that someone would use it against me. During Mental Health Week in February, when Olympian Clara Hughes spoke out about her depression, I came close to blogging about it. In the end, I didn’t because I thought, “She’s an admired and respected person. You are not. People will accept her struggles, but not yours”.

My head is a little clearer now, and I have decided to speak out. I will not allow public perception and misunderstandings stop me from giving another voice and face to depression. I will not allow others to use this against me. I will fight to help others understand that you can get past it and have a life. The statistics vary, but many people will suffer from a major depressive episode during their lifetimes. It is okay. It is normal.

Now that I have “come out of the closet”, so to speak, I am hoping that this will help me move along and regain some balance in my life. I am very lucky to have a supportive husband who understands that this is a bump in the road and we will have happier trails in the future.

If you are out there struggling and have no one to turn to, please feel free to drop me a line. I will do my best to help you through your troubled time. It is hard to tell people what is wrong when nothing feels right, but there is hope.

O’s Opinions started when my husband wanted some original content to drive users to his website. I agreed to do this, as I was at a point in my life where I wanted to explore different options for potential income for the next few years. I was employed by a social service agency for almost eleven years and was reaching a point where I did not want to be dealing with other people’s issues for the rest of my life. Those of you who know me personally know that I have enough of my own to deal with!

I started blogging about relationships, as I have education and experience in this area. I quickly developed a “voice” in my blog that was a lot more personal than I had intended. My posts were becoming stories of my family and my life in general. I was enjoying this, and received a lot of positive feedback, with readers requesting more of my (so-called) humourous posts. When my mother passed away at the end of December, I found writing about my life very difficult. There were no funny and amusing stories to tell, only grief and sadness. I chose not to expose my raw wounds to the world, and so my blog was sadly neglected.

I was also very busy setting up my own business, O’s Oddities, a website (www.osoddities.com) where I sell jewelry that I have made using new and vintage material. Now that I have that up and running , I have been giving my blog a lot of thought. I have made the decision that I will continue to post, but I will not be limiting the focus to just relationships or stories of my life. I have decided that I would like to focus the whole concept of females, feminism and femininity in our society. Some days this may be amusing, and other days it may be more educational or critical.

I hope my readers will continue this journey with me and O’s Opinions, as the evolution continues. I would love to hear your feedback.

The winner of the giveaway from my other website, www.osoddities.com, is the lovely Isabelle Eini. Izzy, I will mail your new necklace this week. Enjoy!

Stay tuned for more giveaways in the near future.

Lately, I’ve been trying really hard to keep the drama in our household to a minimum. I know I can have a very histrionic, dramatic side, as do both my daughters. This is very hard on my husband, who is generally pretty laid back (although, don’t let him fool you, he can be  a pretty big drama queen at moments, too). Let’s just say I’m trying to be an adult, and get past my flair for the dramatic.

I’ve been doing pretty good, and my new mantra is “It is, what it is”. I’ve decided not to get stressed out about things that I cannot change. Overall, this works quite well. I experience much less stress and therefore, am more laid back.

I have also tried be less sarcastic and vivid when expressing myself. This has also been going well. I am not nearly as sarcastic as I used to be and I try to keep my opinions and emotions in check. Well, I really pulled a bad one yesterday.

We took my husband’s granny out for lunch and to run some errands. I let her sit in the front seat because it is easier for her to get in and out (she’s almost 93). We were getting out at a greenhouse, and I put my hand outside the SUV to hoist myself out of the back seat, when my husband slammed the driver’s door.

It took about two seconds for me to realize that the immense pain that I felt was coming from the two fingers that hubby had just slammed in the door. It was so painful, all I could see was a blinding white light. I knew there were a lot of people around and even in that pain, I was trying very hard to maintain my composure. I tried to pull my fingers out, but quickly realized that that was only going to cause more pain.

Now I still haven’t made a single sound – not a moan, groan, peep – nothing. I see my hubby walking toward the back of the truck to get granny’s walker, and I tried to tell him that my fingers were stuck in the door. What I tried to say was “Could you please open the door so I can get my hand out”? What came roaring out of my mouth was “MY FINGERSSSSSSSSSS”!

I was mortified at myself! Everyone turned and looked at me. I was trying to remain dignified and have some sense of decorum, and my brain overrode any thought of politeness and manners. I writhed silently in pain for about a minute and a half and tried really hard not to have a big hissy fit. At least I didn’t swear. I’m very proud that not one single curse word spilled from my lips.

So, I am getting better at keeping the drama out of my life. It’s a good thing I can put it into my writing.

On Monday, June 7, I am launching a new website, www.osoddities.com, where I will be selling my handmade, upcycled jewelry. To celebrate this, I would like to give one of my pieces away to my blog readers.

Just put your name, email address and which necklace you prefer in the comment box. The contest closes on July 1, 2010 and the winner will be announced on July 5, 2010.